My life as a not so broke college student.

I really wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The complete inability to initiate conversation, no matter how hard you try and no matter how bad you want to, is seriously irritating. Basically someone has to talk to me before I can talk to them. With people I’m pretty well aquatinted with, its not as big of a problem, however its still there. Even with very good friends, I’m very hesitant to begin a conversation and there’s very,very few people that’ll I’ll ever just randomly say hey too. Its like being trapped in a soundproof box, having all these things you want to talk about but never being able to tell them to others. Thats why I simply follow along with talking about things I don’t care about. I really can’t introduce my own topic into the conversation. Its also the reason I have friends that I don’t share a lot in common with. They simply were the only people who sought me out and talked to me. I used my amazing BSing ability to fiend interest in their conversations, because I was lonely and simply wanted people to talk to, and viola new friends. There’s a few people I’ve noticed every now and again that seem pretty interesting,but of course, I can’t just go up and talk to them. This also pretty much explains my lackluster love life. My only two girlfriends told me that they liked me, not the other way around.

I’m a person who has traditionally had very few friends, but now despite the fact that I have more friends than ever I feel the loneliest I’ve ever felt. Even though I now know so many people, there’s no one I can truly be myself around. I feel like my whole life is a facade, a people pleasing always agreeable mask that I put on just to keep these so called “friends”. I’m so scared of losing them that I’ve sacrificed my inner self to fit in. I feel like I’m so close, yet so distant. I feel that everything that comes out of my mouth is just another product of my super active imagination. An imaginary me being projected outwards. Its like I live dual lives. My real interests and likes, and then my social interest and likes. You may ask, why don’t I just go back to being a loner. Its not that easy. Being social is like a drug. Once you start you can’t just stop, and you’re constantly trying to chase the initial good feeling which you know will never return. I would love to simply sink back into the confines of my mind, but I simply can’t. Before, I truly didn’t care about people. My philosophy was there was me, and then there was everybody else. I’m not everybody else and have no desire to be. Now, its the complete opposite. I crave being like everybody else. I want to see the world through rose tinted glasses and like what they like and just fit in. But its this thats destroying me. I can’t continue to live a lie. I know there’s people out there with similar views to me, but they’re so few and far between that searching for such people is truly a waste of my time. I really want to just move away, and start over with a clean slate.  

RIght now, I’m torn between what college I should go to next year. Should I stay at LSU with most of my friends and continue to do good receiving an O.K. education, or should I go to Tulane where I only know one other person there but will be in an environment that provides a more rigorous education. There’s a lot of things to weigh, and there’s pros and cons to each. At LSU, I don’t pay for school but living expenses eat up a large chunk of money. At Tulane, I have to pay some money for school, but none for living expenses. For grad school, I’m pretty sure I’ll have a higher GPA staying at LSU, but Tulane carries way more name prestige. Most of my closest friends go to LSU, but outside of them I’m isolated and don’t like any of the people here. At Tulane, I know fewer people, but the environment and people there seem to be more my type, so I’ll probably make some new friends. There’s so many things to think about, and so very little time to decide. Last year, when this same issue came up, I took the easy way out and simply decided to go to LSU. However, now that I have a much clearer picture of reality and what I want to do in life, there really is no easy decision. Again, I’m torn.